On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
You Might Also Like
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
😭😭😭
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
This was the best day of my life
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
This kinda thing happens to me often
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.