I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
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Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge