Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

*orders delivery*

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.