Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

Ironic

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

Uh oh 👀

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

🐕🍷

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives