If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
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Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito