is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
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My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.