Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
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Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
✌️
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
The struggle is real
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
some cats are just doing for fun!
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.