Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
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If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.