Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
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If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.