Meowchelangelo
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[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Reporter: *ports again*
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
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For those that worship cheese..
