That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
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excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Fat chances are my favorite chances
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…