Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
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Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
