The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
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I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers