Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.