So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
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“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
That’s fair
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
yeah 😭
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?