Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly