Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!