Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.