Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”

Me: “Anything?”

*drives to store*

*brings home cupcakes*

*discovers “anything” includes lying*

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick