I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
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It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory