Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

This was my dad’s browser history.

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.