no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
You can’t rush stupid.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
The cashier just checked me out.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE