Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
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People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.