My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
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I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.