Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
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How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
I’m not alone. I have ants.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.