Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
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Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!