Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

what do you want

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.