If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
😭😭😭
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why