in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
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I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
doctor: “we can’t bring your husband out of a coma. It’s already been 2 weeks.”
Me: “hang on I have an idea” [buys a truck without towing package]
Husband: [both eyes pop open]
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.