milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
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Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.