doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
You Might Also Like
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
happy halloween
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us