*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
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Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker