Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you