Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

reminder

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.