Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me