Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
What a website
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.