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One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!