Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

lmao

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?