Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

it must be school picture day

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.