My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
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Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I had to Stop for this
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*