They’re stuck in your pants?
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[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.