You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
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Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “