Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

lost dog

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.