Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.