Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
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I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Okay me first
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.