Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

Weighing up my bread heating options

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Living the best life.. 😊

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?