What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
You Might Also Like
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
My work here is don’t.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
me linking you to my twitter
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes