Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer