Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

Cardio Made Easy

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

Ok but actually

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.