So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
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wow he looks just like him
When someone says you are so lazy
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
A friend helps you before you need it
When you can’t find your friend Neil
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on